The Sun or The Moon?

Through the nights, the flower have spent talking to the moon.

The flower gazed at the moon fondly.

And the moon looked down at the flower every night.

Singing her lullaby's, hoping one night to see to her bloom.

But the flower would bloom when the moon was gone by day.

And the moon would go up and see his flower close her petals.

Day by day, The flower grew to like the moon.

While the moon grew to love the flower every passing night.

But one day, the gardener took the flower from her spot,

She went to a more faraway and beautiful place where she was closer to the sun.

The sun, reminded her of the moon, who was as radiant as him.

The Sun would talk to the flower by day.

Telling her of how beautiful her petals are.

While the moon was sad when he saw his flower gone.

Slowly, The flower grew to like the Sun.

Because the Sun was closer to the flower.

The Sun told the flower he liked her.

But the flower was doubtful.

Yet, the flower told the Sun she liked him too.

But she was sad that they were not meant for each other.

For there was the moon who was still looking for her.

The moon whom she liked first, but the sun who was in her heart.

The moon she knew loved her deeply, forever.

But the sun whom confessed to her--she could not imagine.

For the sun shone too brightly, too high the flower could not even reach.

The sun and the moon deserved a star and not a flower.

The sun and the moon--the flower cannot be with.

For they were both heavenly bodies, belonging in the sky.

While she sprouted from the ground.

The flower grew to love the Sun than the Moon.

The Moon loved the flower to no ends.

And the Sun...

He maybe reading this.

If the flower could pick one to be with.

The flower would pick none of them.

Dear Me

I hope for the day to come when you look at yourself in the mirror and be satisfied with what you see. Instead of plaguing yourself with your own insecurities and negative criticisms; just be happy, content, and smile. No one is born perfect, so don’t try to shape yourself to what other people think. In every aspect, you are unique, strong, and beautiful just the way you are and in what you do. You may not be as smart as the people you know nor as pretty as the people you see, and you make mistakes often, but at least you know that deep inside—despite thinking you are unloved and unwanted—you are capable to love and receive love. You are not ugly. You are not stupid. What matters is you are being you, and not someone else.

I know you are afraid of being left behind and to be attached to something that you might lose some day. When no one is there to comfort you, you comfort yourself.  But do you see how indifferent you have become? Do you realize how much you have changed? There is a fine line between protecting yourself and being numb. Before it’s too late, hold on to those people you hold dear. Stop being afraid for a moment, do you what you want to do, free yourself and do the things you never dreamed of doing. Always remember that you are only weak, when you make yourself weak. You are simply a normal human being, nothing more and nothing less. Thus, like most people, you are capable of what some people can and can’t do.

You are not lonely so stop drowning yourself with loneliness. There are people around you who consider you as a friend and even more than that. Despite the difficulties, there are still people who are willing to help you despite having their own problems. So open your eyes and stop being blind. You think being ignorant is a good thing but you know it isn’t, you’re just pretending to not see or hear, because you are scared again of what might happen next. So, why don’t you ask yourself: “Do you remember?” and recall the moments you spent with your family, friends, classmates, and even your enemies; remember every memory you can. As you finish, I know you’re about to cry. You feel pain and it just proves that you are indeed a human being with a heart.

Of course, life goes on; and you only get to live once in a lifetime. So make most of the moments you have by doing however you want, and what will make you happy…

Dear me.

My Unforgettable Moments

note: boring stuff. not edited.

My father used to visit me every year from Samar. He would come to pick me up in his red van with my grandpa and cousins.  And after that, he would give me lots of gifts and toys which were mostly cooking utensils and creative stuffs. When we arrived in Samar, I would usually greet my grandma and do the traditional “mano po”, but during my father’s last visit, it was around the time my mother met her Australian boyfriend. The last day he came to pick me up, I remember bringing my Nintendo Gameboy with me (a gift from my mom’s Australian boyfriend) and I lent it to him. At night, I would look at him play with it and be amazed when he managed to get into the last stage of Zelda.

I guess it’s also an unforgettable moment when my family and I went to Hong Kong. To be frank, the food there was terrible, except the desserts. We stayed in Disney Hollywood hotel for some days and had a grand breakfast, it was very fulfilling (I could actually recognize the dishes). After breakfast, we rode a train to Disneyland. And in Disneyland, we took pictures with Mickey Mouse and Minnie, I rode a moving car, a roller coaster and I saw an amazing 4D movie with the pictures coming out of the screen, like I was actually inside the movie. I can say that I enjoyed it, but not entirely. The most fun I got in Hong Kong was mostly in Ocean Park where I rode a train (which was getting attacked by large octopuses and squids) and where I also rode the Dragon (another roller coaster) and the Flash which helped me get over with my fear of heights. My visit there was wonderful.

Another unforgettable moment was when I was just a kid, I met a boy named Gabriel.  I guess when I was first saw him I was bashful, I didn’t know him of course, but I heard that he was the grandson of my Lola’s friend. He was taller than me by a few centimeters and his skin was pale and white. His eyes were small, which made me think that he was Chinese. He looked nice, maybe cute but I didn’t know that back then (I was about 4-6 years old I think) but I was dead wrong. He was not entirely nice, he was mean and naughty, he teased me the first day we played together. We played swords with a curtain hanger, and he popped my balloon which really made me feel bad. But on the positive side, he lent me his Nintendo PS which was actually nice of him. After that day, they went back to Australia and I never met him again. But lately, his grandma told me he could still remember me.

I used to ask my mom how my father was when she first met him. She said that he was attractive to her, not because he was handsome (personally, I don’t think so lol) but because he just dresses up nicely. She also told me that she liked his build which was not skinny but bulky. I usually enjoyed it when she was talking about him because I felt that I never really had gotten to know my father. I didn’t even know his birthday or his age. At least, my mother told me about him and how much she liked him singing and playing with his guitar. My father was a quiet and smart type and he had a lot of ex-girlfriends (which I doubt). She even told me that she used to hide when she sees him. My father didn’t like her at first (I think he preferred the smarty-type lol which I admit mom isn’t). Mom told me he ignored her most of the time until she became clingy and she did everything for him to notice her until they eventually fell in love.

                To be continued?

She

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t your father, or mother, or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest
For he’s with you, clear to the end
And you’ve passed your most difficult, dangerous test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass

- ‘The Man in the Glass’ by Peter Dale Wimbrow Sr.

She couldn’t remember the memories of yesterday, when her mother and father bought her a cake. if ever she was the one who blew her first candle as a baby, or if she cried with glee while her mother and father looked at her with their faces filled with happiness. To her, this was just all a make-believe memory. Each year as she celebrated her birthday, she could always remember the feeling of being ecstatic, for her mother and father often set up a party and buy her lots of gifts. But then something changed, starting on her seventh birthday, when her father no longer came to greet her a ‘happy birthday’, and so she celebrated her birthday with her mom and with the absence of him. Then days went by, she no longer heard the news of her father and she didn’t know anything at all because her mother never told her what really happened, and the question that formed in her mind was: Where did he go?

Even with the absence of her father, she grew up normally with the love of her mother and had a nice upbringing. She knew she was a little spoiled for being an only child, but they loved her anyways—at least that’s what she thought—but growing up is hard, she realized, especially when you grow older each passing year. Again, more birthdays came and went by, but no father showed up to celebrate it with her. And her mother looked at her tiredly, every time she asked where her father went. Until she gave up asking her mother who no longer cared about her father’s whereabouts. Little did her mother know, she was also tired of being asked the same questions about her father by the people around her.

Days went to years, expectations from her family started to pressure her. She was always expected to be a good child and never to be the rebel. She could not even afford to be impolite because she was constantly reminded by her grandmother of how her mother brought her up all by herself and that she was the one who was always taking care of her while she was young. Although she never brought it up, she knew that her father was driven away by her grandmother and her father gave up chasing her grandmother’s expectation of him so he left them. But still, her grandmother’s words made her feel as if it was her fault for being alive. So, she could never escape the guilt from those thoughts. She could only be a good daughter to ease the guilt, but of course she wasn’t perfect, like every person, she made mistakes too.

She went to school in order to learn and study, she ate what was prepared in the table, she did her school works independently, she even took care of her dying grandfather even when she was tired from school, and she complained less. Her mother praised her of achievements and her so-called “talents” but in the end, they only considered her to become someone she was not. Her aunt disapproved of her drawings and paintings because they wanted her to sing, however she didn’t want to. She could see disappointment etched on their faces when she refused and it made her lose interest to sing and draw. She no longer enjoyed singing as before and she stopped wanting to draw. Instead of blessings, she prayed to God to take away her ability to learn and talents, for they were not of her own choice instead, they were becoming a burden. And she prayed that she may never wake up ever again in her sleep.

She was never comforted by her mother nor her friends, because she kept all her problems to herself. Everything she felt, the sadness or the misery, she kept in heart, convincing herself that she hated no one when she hated herself for being alive. Some people would think she’s so lucky to be able to have expensive things compared to some people who are suffering from poverty and who can’t manage to buy their own food. Still, she would prefer dying. They could have everything she had. They don’t realize that she is tired of being with her family, and of living with their expectations. Because they always say the same things robotically, until it becomes permanent on her mind.

I love you…Take care of your brothers…Do well in school and study…Do the dishes…Take care…

And?

Useless…Do something useful for a change…Be thankful for what I’ve given you…Stupid child…No manners…

Their words hurt her and the worst is, she believes the negative words more than their positive words.

Do they still remember? Remember what she did for them, remember what she contributed to them, remember that she helped them. Remember how she always tried to be the good one. Remember how she always try to do well in school to make them proud. All of the things she was doing was for her family. Yet, is it still not enough? Their negative words weigh more than sugar-coated words, until she comes with a conclusion that no matter what she does and how hard she tries, she will never be enough. And the thoughts of being imperfect, incompleteness and being unhappy begins to settle in, and starts to build up rage in her heart, until she could only blame herself.

They don’t realize that they’re killing her.

And they’re killing me.

Fade Away

Why must friendship be hard to keep?

Why must friendship have to end?

Why is it that when feelings get involved, friendship breaks?

Why won’t we still be the same?

Before a significant turn of events, we started all started as a stranger. All of us possessed our own personalities which were similar to one another and different towards the other. But despite of this, all of us became friends, and I believed that each of us had formed a special bond with one another, enough to be called a relationship or a much more pleasing term called: friendship. And I know that I’m not close with everyone in our so-called “group” and sometimes I am busy in my own little world that I distance myself away from them.  But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t like them when in fact, I really looked up to my friends. I think that every one of them is amazing in their own way and I liked being friends with them. Although I admit that I have selected only a few of them that I really like sharing my company with.

And during the months that I have spent together with them, quite a few significant changes started happening—and before I knew it, it made me wonder and at the same time, it made me feel a little sad. I started to experience the feeling of longing to be with another person—other than the longing I’ve felt growing up without my father—and the feeling of not wanting to be left alone—even though I was used to feeling lonely and empty inside—for the first time, I wanted to express my feelings of wanting to speak up and to cry. I was not as uncomfortable as I was before, because I learned to trust them.

But yes, some changes did take place in our group as time went by. Some of us started to develop special feelings towards one of our friends, and those were the feelings of attraction or crushes as I have put it. Some of my friends also started to become distant, including me. I did notice that we were not the same as we were before, and I know that but still, I refuse to consider it. At first, the thoughts of crushes didn’t bother me, and then the feeling of uneasiness started happening towards each other, threatening the friendship to end. And it makes me feel very sad and afraid—if the other one likes the other, and the other one does not feel the same—why break the friendship?  I think that it’s better if they confessed and resolves their own issues.

I still remember when I used to feel uncomfortable when I found out that I was going to meet new people whom I didn’t know. I missed my previous friends which I met during a summer bridge program. But now, I started to become comfortable with my friends now and I didn’t miss my previous as much like before. I enjoyed the jeep rides we all had when we went to malls, eating, and looking at stuff displayed on every window. I enjoyed it when they talked about lots of things even if I couldn’t relate some times. I liked it when they were playful, teasing and laughing. And during the moments when I’m sad, it made me feel a lighter knowing that my friends were concerned about what I was feeling.

Now, I know what made me smile despite feeling empty inside. It’s nice to see that some people are actually there for you. Those people whom you feel comforted even just by seeing them smile at you. Those people whom despite their problems still manage to be strong and happy. And those people are my friends. I want them to realize that I do like each and every one of them, maybe not as equally with one another, but still they are precious to me. And I hope that despite meeting new people, making new friends, getting into romantic relationships, or becoming busy. I wish they won’t make the memories, and the friendship we have…

Fade away.       

Dear D,

      Please don’t shift and if ever you meet new friends, please remember your previous friends. And please fix your friendship with JK because I REALLY DON’T WANT THE TWO OF YOU to stop being friends.

Dear MJ,

     A lot of your friends, including me will be sad if you do transfer to another school but if you really want to transfer I know that your friends will support you. P.S are you really giving up your crush with L if you transfer?

Dear A,

    Dude thanks for everything. When I’m depressed, thanks for being concerned. Thanks for tutoring me and D in math, despite us being really stupid sometimes (mainly me). I am really in your debt. And despite me saying you’re mean and scary sometimes, I’ll really miss you if you go away dude. So don’t go away dude.

Dear T.F.

     I’m sorry for breaking my promise.

Dream of Me

It’s hard when you are missing someone and you don’t know if that person is missing you back. But you don’t actually expect that person to reciprocate your feelings because you know that he is happy with someone else and that’s not with you. I may not admit to myself that deep in my heart I am  still looking for that certain someone, hoping that he will look for me too. Because even though my memories are starting to get blurry and I can’t remember his face anymore. I can still see the small fragments of my memories that I shared together with him, and I know even though it may get smaller every passing day, these fragments will continue to remain in my heart. But you know what? I am trying to forget that person, because I know it will only hurt me because waiting for someone who has already moved on is quite foolish indeed. Yet. I stalked for his picture in the internet—secretly like a thief—I notice the fine lines softy etched on his face, showing the time that has passed by since we last saw each other. 9 years ago since he left me.

Sometimes I think of him. Hoping that in some place, and in some time, he might be thinking of me too. I remember those times when I feel alone even when that person is close to me and I think of why he was distancing himself away from me and from my mother. My four-year-old self knew what was happening, I pretended not notice like an ignorant little child, but I knew he was going to leave me sooner or later. I can only blame selfishness present in every person, including me. Because of selfishness, in order to seek out their happiness, some people are willing to hurt other people just for that cause. I needed you, but where were you when I felt alone, and unwanted until now?

I just want to fade away as dust and let the wind take me to wherever it wants. I want to escape reality, cry, and let all my emotions out but I can’t do that. Even if my life spirals out of control. I’ve been trapped in a cage for so long that I learned how to cope with it. As a result, I am always bored—bored of life—I seek freedom, yet I am too tired to let myself out of my entrapment. I became distant and indifferent to the people I hold dear to me. Yet, I still trust people too easily, but I don’t care if they break me, because it’s alright for me. They are precious to me, even if they can’t understand me and I can’t understand them. At least, they’re still a part of my life.

To be frank, I have so many things going through my head that I am finding it hard to connect all my thoughts together.  The memories which I want to forget I still remember them. Especially the days I spent with him. When I used to sleep together with him. When he sang a love song to me. When he prepared my milk before I sleep. When he bought me toys I didn’t ask him to buy and when he gave me money even when I didn’t ask. When I wanted something, I never told him because I was afraid that if I ever asked for something. He might turn his back on me one day. Which is funny because he still did though.

I grew up thinking that I wanted to become just like him. But I am not smart, or the perfect kid, instead I was seen as a burden to my family. I grew up with dreams but those dreams weren’t for me.

To the person I am referring to. I know that he won’t ever read this. But I want him to know that he is still a part of my life. A piece I can’t ever just bury. Even when my memories do fade away as I get older, and even when he is the one who will forget me. I hope that he won’t bury the memories of me, that I was once a part of his life. I have not yet decided whether I should find that person, or should I find myself first.

One day, I might lose all the people I hold dear to me. Someday I might be forgotten and they might move on with their own life. The beginning of my fears may already have started and strangely enough, it comforts me. Because the fears I have imagined, I can live with all of them happening because for a long time, I have already prepared for the inevitable. But I do ask one thing to God, because I don’t know in which part of the world he might be in, or in which time zone he might be present. I bet that he might not even be wanting to see me as much as I am wanting to see him. But if that person decides to look for me. Even when he can’t find me, and we live in different places and time zones. I can only wish for him to…

Dream of me.

My College Life and Friends

So today, I decided to write about my college life in UP, Cebu. What my feelings were during my first day and my first week. But before my  first day officially started in UP Cebu, I actually went to a Summer Bridge Program for Math offered by UP to help students, who are lacking in the math area, adjust in the subject, Math. Of course, I decided to participate in SBP because I knew that I don't have enough math-solving skills.  Afterall, I do suck at math and it’s compulsory. Later on, I realized that SBP didn’t really contribute much to my math subject because I was taking up MATH 17. It was frustrating to learn that, but at least SBP did help me find new friends. So during my official first day in UP Cebu, I was feeling happy that I wasn’t alone because I had my group of friends.

                At the same time, I also felt very nervous. Back in highschool years, my first day went on very sadly. I was a shy-type kind of person, very quiet, and I had a poker-face that made people think that I was a mean person. All of these were my highschool friends’ first impression of me and it took me several months to adjust and open up to everybody. My first day at college reminded me of what I felt after all those years from highschool and I still wasn’t used to seeing many people and large crowds. It made me uncomfortable and it freaked me out internally. I couldn’t stand the pressure I was feeling, but when I'm with my friends,  it helped me feel a little secured. My first day didn’t go so badly.

                Sadly, the next day I found out that my SBP friends’ didn’t have that same schedule as me. I was feeling alone again. I tried opening up to people but I found myself being quiet around my new classmates. I missed my friends; I missed riding the same jeep with them. It was sad but after some time, I realized that I needed new friends, without replacing them. Eventually I did make new friends, they were very nice people with different personalities and attitude, even though I was intimidated by them. I couldn’t speak or communicate with them comfortably because I felt a little awkward while talking to them. But I realized as the days went by, I started to get familiar with them. And I started getting more comfortable to them than with my SBP friends.

                As of now, I am still adjusting to my life in Cebu. Not to mention the language barrier, Waray and Bisaya, which I am also adjusting to. I still can’t memorize the jeep and their routes, and I still can’t adjust to some of my subjects in my course. Unfortunately, I also failed my first long exams in all of my subjects, consecutively. Of course during that time I felt really depressed, but I wasn’t alone. One of my friends namely, Debbie also felt the same as me, we were both sad but at the same time we managed to laugh our way through it. (Although most of the time, we were also thinking about shifting to another course or I was thinking of transferring to another school).

                My college life still continues today. I don’t know if I do manage to pass college in UP Cebu, or if I can ever cope-up with my course subjects. But one thing I learned is that: You can’t survive college without friends. College is really hard when you are all alone and you are away from your family,  and that is when you’ll see that you need friends. Because friends actually help you and guide you despite facing problems, insecurities, or even relational problems of their own. In my case, I am very thankful to all of my friends:

Especially Debbie whom I can share my feelings to and speak Waray with, instead of Bisaya.  To my friend, Arvin, for listening to me, for acting as our tutor in Math, also for managing to cope with my moody personality,  and even doing my lab exercises (I know I have lots of favours I need to return to him). To Arniel, who gives advices to me and Debbie.  And to all of my friends.

I managed to survive my first two months of college because of them.