Dream of Me

It’s hard when you are missing someone and you don’t know if that person is missing you back. But you don’t actually expect that person to reciprocate your feelings because you know that he is happy with someone else and that’s not with you. I may not admit to myself that deep in my heart I am  still looking for that certain someone, hoping that he will look for me too. Because even though my memories are starting to get blurry and I can’t remember his face anymore. I can still see the small fragments of my memories that I shared together with him, and I know even though it may get smaller every passing day, these fragments will continue to remain in my heart. But you know what? I am trying to forget that person, because I know it will only hurt me because waiting for someone who has already moved on is quite foolish indeed. Yet. I stalked for his picture in the internet—secretly like a thief—I notice the fine lines softy etched on his face, showing the time that has passed by since we last saw each other. 9 years ago since he left me.

Sometimes I think of him. Hoping that in some place, and in some time, he might be thinking of me too. I remember those times when I feel alone even when that person is close to me and I think of why he was distancing himself away from me and from my mother. My four-year-old self knew what was happening, I pretended not notice like an ignorant little child, but I knew he was going to leave me sooner or later. I can only blame selfishness present in every person, including me. Because of selfishness, in order to seek out their happiness, some people are willing to hurt other people just for that cause. I needed you, but where were you when I felt alone, and unwanted until now?

I just want to fade away as dust and let the wind take me to wherever it wants. I want to escape reality, cry, and let all my emotions out but I can’t do that. Even if my life spirals out of control. I’ve been trapped in a cage for so long that I learned how to cope with it. As a result, I am always bored—bored of life—I seek freedom, yet I am too tired to let myself out of my entrapment. I became distant and indifferent to the people I hold dear to me. Yet, I still trust people too easily, but I don’t care if they break me, because it’s alright for me. They are precious to me, even if they can’t understand me and I can’t understand them. At least, they’re still a part of my life.

To be frank, I have so many things going through my head that I am finding it hard to connect all my thoughts together.  The memories which I want to forget I still remember them. Especially the days I spent with him. When I used to sleep together with him. When he sang a love song to me. When he prepared my milk before I sleep. When he bought me toys I didn’t ask him to buy and when he gave me money even when I didn’t ask. When I wanted something, I never told him because I was afraid that if I ever asked for something. He might turn his back on me one day. Which is funny because he still did though.

I grew up thinking that I wanted to become just like him. But I am not smart, or the perfect kid, instead I was seen as a burden to my family. I grew up with dreams but those dreams weren’t for me.

To the person I am referring to. I know that he won’t ever read this. But I want him to know that he is still a part of my life. A piece I can’t ever just bury. Even when my memories do fade away as I get older, and even when he is the one who will forget me. I hope that he won’t bury the memories of me, that I was once a part of his life. I have not yet decided whether I should find that person, or should I find myself first.

One day, I might lose all the people I hold dear to me. Someday I might be forgotten and they might move on with their own life. The beginning of my fears may already have started and strangely enough, it comforts me. Because the fears I have imagined, I can live with all of them happening because for a long time, I have already prepared for the inevitable. But I do ask one thing to God, because I don’t know in which part of the world he might be in, or in which time zone he might be present. I bet that he might not even be wanting to see me as much as I am wanting to see him. But if that person decides to look for me. Even when he can’t find me, and we live in different places and time zones. I can only wish for him to…

Dream of me.