She

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t your father, or mother, or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest
For he’s with you, clear to the end
And you’ve passed your most difficult, dangerous test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass

- ‘The Man in the Glass’ by Peter Dale Wimbrow Sr.

She couldn’t remember the memories of yesterday, when her mother and father bought her a cake. if ever she was the one who blew her first candle as a baby, or if she cried with glee while her mother and father looked at her with their faces filled with happiness. To her, this was just all a make-believe memory. Each year as she celebrated her birthday, she could always remember the feeling of being ecstatic, for her mother and father often set up a party and buy her lots of gifts. But then something changed, starting on her seventh birthday, when her father no longer came to greet her a ‘happy birthday’, and so she celebrated her birthday with her mom and with the absence of him. Then days went by, she no longer heard the news of her father and she didn’t know anything at all because her mother never told her what really happened, and the question that formed in her mind was: Where did he go?

Even with the absence of her father, she grew up normally with the love of her mother and had a nice upbringing. She knew she was a little spoiled for being an only child, but they loved her anyways—at least that’s what she thought—but growing up is hard, she realized, especially when you grow older each passing year. Again, more birthdays came and went by, but no father showed up to celebrate it with her. And her mother looked at her tiredly, every time she asked where her father went. Until she gave up asking her mother who no longer cared about her father’s whereabouts. Little did her mother know, she was also tired of being asked the same questions about her father by the people around her.

Days went to years, expectations from her family started to pressure her. She was always expected to be a good child and never to be the rebel. She could not even afford to be impolite because she was constantly reminded by her grandmother of how her mother brought her up all by herself and that she was the one who was always taking care of her while she was young. Although she never brought it up, she knew that her father was driven away by her grandmother and her father gave up chasing her grandmother’s expectation of him so he left them. But still, her grandmother’s words made her feel as if it was her fault for being alive. So, she could never escape the guilt from those thoughts. She could only be a good daughter to ease the guilt, but of course she wasn’t perfect, like every person, she made mistakes too.

She went to school in order to learn and study, she ate what was prepared in the table, she did her school works independently, she even took care of her dying grandfather even when she was tired from school, and she complained less. Her mother praised her of achievements and her so-called “talents” but in the end, they only considered her to become someone she was not. Her aunt disapproved of her drawings and paintings because they wanted her to sing, however she didn’t want to. She could see disappointment etched on their faces when she refused and it made her lose interest to sing and draw. She no longer enjoyed singing as before and she stopped wanting to draw. Instead of blessings, she prayed to God to take away her ability to learn and talents, for they were not of her own choice instead, they were becoming a burden. And she prayed that she may never wake up ever again in her sleep.

She was never comforted by her mother nor her friends, because she kept all her problems to herself. Everything she felt, the sadness or the misery, she kept in heart, convincing herself that she hated no one when she hated herself for being alive. Some people would think she’s so lucky to be able to have expensive things compared to some people who are suffering from poverty and who can’t manage to buy their own food. Still, she would prefer dying. They could have everything she had. They don’t realize that she is tired of being with her family, and of living with their expectations. Because they always say the same things robotically, until it becomes permanent on her mind.

I love you…Take care of your brothers…Do well in school and study…Do the dishes…Take care…

And?

Useless…Do something useful for a change…Be thankful for what I’ve given you…Stupid child…No manners…

Their words hurt her and the worst is, she believes the negative words more than their positive words.

Do they still remember? Remember what she did for them, remember what she contributed to them, remember that she helped them. Remember how she always tried to be the good one. Remember how she always try to do well in school to make them proud. All of the things she was doing was for her family. Yet, is it still not enough? Their negative words weigh more than sugar-coated words, until she comes with a conclusion that no matter what she does and how hard she tries, she will never be enough. And the thoughts of being imperfect, incompleteness and being unhappy begins to settle in, and starts to build up rage in her heart, until she could only blame herself.

They don’t realize that they’re killing her.

And they’re killing me.

Fade Away

Why must friendship be hard to keep?

Why must friendship have to end?

Why is it that when feelings get involved, friendship breaks?

Why won’t we still be the same?

Before a significant turn of events, we started all started as a stranger. All of us possessed our own personalities which were similar to one another and different towards the other. But despite of this, all of us became friends, and I believed that each of us had formed a special bond with one another, enough to be called a relationship or a much more pleasing term called: friendship. And I know that I’m not close with everyone in our so-called “group” and sometimes I am busy in my own little world that I distance myself away from them.  But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t like them when in fact, I really looked up to my friends. I think that every one of them is amazing in their own way and I liked being friends with them. Although I admit that I have selected only a few of them that I really like sharing my company with.

And during the months that I have spent together with them, quite a few significant changes started happening—and before I knew it, it made me wonder and at the same time, it made me feel a little sad. I started to experience the feeling of longing to be with another person—other than the longing I’ve felt growing up without my father—and the feeling of not wanting to be left alone—even though I was used to feeling lonely and empty inside—for the first time, I wanted to express my feelings of wanting to speak up and to cry. I was not as uncomfortable as I was before, because I learned to trust them.

But yes, some changes did take place in our group as time went by. Some of us started to develop special feelings towards one of our friends, and those were the feelings of attraction or crushes as I have put it. Some of my friends also started to become distant, including me. I did notice that we were not the same as we were before, and I know that but still, I refuse to consider it. At first, the thoughts of crushes didn’t bother me, and then the feeling of uneasiness started happening towards each other, threatening the friendship to end. And it makes me feel very sad and afraid—if the other one likes the other, and the other one does not feel the same—why break the friendship?  I think that it’s better if they confessed and resolves their own issues.

I still remember when I used to feel uncomfortable when I found out that I was going to meet new people whom I didn’t know. I missed my previous friends which I met during a summer bridge program. But now, I started to become comfortable with my friends now and I didn’t miss my previous as much like before. I enjoyed the jeep rides we all had when we went to malls, eating, and looking at stuff displayed on every window. I enjoyed it when they talked about lots of things even if I couldn’t relate some times. I liked it when they were playful, teasing and laughing. And during the moments when I’m sad, it made me feel a lighter knowing that my friends were concerned about what I was feeling.

Now, I know what made me smile despite feeling empty inside. It’s nice to see that some people are actually there for you. Those people whom you feel comforted even just by seeing them smile at you. Those people whom despite their problems still manage to be strong and happy. And those people are my friends. I want them to realize that I do like each and every one of them, maybe not as equally with one another, but still they are precious to me. And I hope that despite meeting new people, making new friends, getting into romantic relationships, or becoming busy. I wish they won’t make the memories, and the friendship we have…

Fade away.       

Dear D,

      Please don’t shift and if ever you meet new friends, please remember your previous friends. And please fix your friendship with JK because I REALLY DON’T WANT THE TWO OF YOU to stop being friends.

Dear MJ,

     A lot of your friends, including me will be sad if you do transfer to another school but if you really want to transfer I know that your friends will support you. P.S are you really giving up your crush with L if you transfer?

Dear A,

    Dude thanks for everything. When I’m depressed, thanks for being concerned. Thanks for tutoring me and D in math, despite us being really stupid sometimes (mainly me). I am really in your debt. And despite me saying you’re mean and scary sometimes, I’ll really miss you if you go away dude. So don’t go away dude.

Dear T.F.

     I’m sorry for breaking my promise.

Dream of Me

It’s hard when you are missing someone and you don’t know if that person is missing you back. But you don’t actually expect that person to reciprocate your feelings because you know that he is happy with someone else and that’s not with you. I may not admit to myself that deep in my heart I am  still looking for that certain someone, hoping that he will look for me too. Because even though my memories are starting to get blurry and I can’t remember his face anymore. I can still see the small fragments of my memories that I shared together with him, and I know even though it may get smaller every passing day, these fragments will continue to remain in my heart. But you know what? I am trying to forget that person, because I know it will only hurt me because waiting for someone who has already moved on is quite foolish indeed. Yet. I stalked for his picture in the internet—secretly like a thief—I notice the fine lines softy etched on his face, showing the time that has passed by since we last saw each other. 9 years ago since he left me.

Sometimes I think of him. Hoping that in some place, and in some time, he might be thinking of me too. I remember those times when I feel alone even when that person is close to me and I think of why he was distancing himself away from me and from my mother. My four-year-old self knew what was happening, I pretended not notice like an ignorant little child, but I knew he was going to leave me sooner or later. I can only blame selfishness present in every person, including me. Because of selfishness, in order to seek out their happiness, some people are willing to hurt other people just for that cause. I needed you, but where were you when I felt alone, and unwanted until now?

I just want to fade away as dust and let the wind take me to wherever it wants. I want to escape reality, cry, and let all my emotions out but I can’t do that. Even if my life spirals out of control. I’ve been trapped in a cage for so long that I learned how to cope with it. As a result, I am always bored—bored of life—I seek freedom, yet I am too tired to let myself out of my entrapment. I became distant and indifferent to the people I hold dear to me. Yet, I still trust people too easily, but I don’t care if they break me, because it’s alright for me. They are precious to me, even if they can’t understand me and I can’t understand them. At least, they’re still a part of my life.

To be frank, I have so many things going through my head that I am finding it hard to connect all my thoughts together.  The memories which I want to forget I still remember them. Especially the days I spent with him. When I used to sleep together with him. When he sang a love song to me. When he prepared my milk before I sleep. When he bought me toys I didn’t ask him to buy and when he gave me money even when I didn’t ask. When I wanted something, I never told him because I was afraid that if I ever asked for something. He might turn his back on me one day. Which is funny because he still did though.

I grew up thinking that I wanted to become just like him. But I am not smart, or the perfect kid, instead I was seen as a burden to my family. I grew up with dreams but those dreams weren’t for me.

To the person I am referring to. I know that he won’t ever read this. But I want him to know that he is still a part of my life. A piece I can’t ever just bury. Even when my memories do fade away as I get older, and even when he is the one who will forget me. I hope that he won’t bury the memories of me, that I was once a part of his life. I have not yet decided whether I should find that person, or should I find myself first.

One day, I might lose all the people I hold dear to me. Someday I might be forgotten and they might move on with their own life. The beginning of my fears may already have started and strangely enough, it comforts me. Because the fears I have imagined, I can live with all of them happening because for a long time, I have already prepared for the inevitable. But I do ask one thing to God, because I don’t know in which part of the world he might be in, or in which time zone he might be present. I bet that he might not even be wanting to see me as much as I am wanting to see him. But if that person decides to look for me. Even when he can’t find me, and we live in different places and time zones. I can only wish for him to…

Dream of me.

My College Life and Friends

So today, I decided to write about my college life in UP, Cebu. What my feelings were during my first day and my first week. But before my  first day officially started in UP Cebu, I actually went to a Summer Bridge Program for Math offered by UP to help students, who are lacking in the math area, adjust in the subject, Math. Of course, I decided to participate in SBP because I knew that I don't have enough math-solving skills.  Afterall, I do suck at math and it’s compulsory. Later on, I realized that SBP didn’t really contribute much to my math subject because I was taking up MATH 17. It was frustrating to learn that, but at least SBP did help me find new friends. So during my official first day in UP Cebu, I was feeling happy that I wasn’t alone because I had my group of friends.

                At the same time, I also felt very nervous. Back in highschool years, my first day went on very sadly. I was a shy-type kind of person, very quiet, and I had a poker-face that made people think that I was a mean person. All of these were my highschool friends’ first impression of me and it took me several months to adjust and open up to everybody. My first day at college reminded me of what I felt after all those years from highschool and I still wasn’t used to seeing many people and large crowds. It made me uncomfortable and it freaked me out internally. I couldn’t stand the pressure I was feeling, but when I'm with my friends,  it helped me feel a little secured. My first day didn’t go so badly.

                Sadly, the next day I found out that my SBP friends’ didn’t have that same schedule as me. I was feeling alone again. I tried opening up to people but I found myself being quiet around my new classmates. I missed my friends; I missed riding the same jeep with them. It was sad but after some time, I realized that I needed new friends, without replacing them. Eventually I did make new friends, they were very nice people with different personalities and attitude, even though I was intimidated by them. I couldn’t speak or communicate with them comfortably because I felt a little awkward while talking to them. But I realized as the days went by, I started to get familiar with them. And I started getting more comfortable to them than with my SBP friends.

                As of now, I am still adjusting to my life in Cebu. Not to mention the language barrier, Waray and Bisaya, which I am also adjusting to. I still can’t memorize the jeep and their routes, and I still can’t adjust to some of my subjects in my course. Unfortunately, I also failed my first long exams in all of my subjects, consecutively. Of course during that time I felt really depressed, but I wasn’t alone. One of my friends namely, Debbie also felt the same as me, we were both sad but at the same time we managed to laugh our way through it. (Although most of the time, we were also thinking about shifting to another course or I was thinking of transferring to another school).

                My college life still continues today. I don’t know if I do manage to pass college in UP Cebu, or if I can ever cope-up with my course subjects. But one thing I learned is that: You can’t survive college without friends. College is really hard when you are all alone and you are away from your family,  and that is when you’ll see that you need friends. Because friends actually help you and guide you despite facing problems, insecurities, or even relational problems of their own. In my case, I am very thankful to all of my friends:

Especially Debbie whom I can share my feelings to and speak Waray with, instead of Bisaya.  To my friend, Arvin, for listening to me, for acting as our tutor in Math, also for managing to cope with my moody personality,  and even doing my lab exercises (I know I have lots of favours I need to return to him). To Arniel, who gives advices to me and Debbie.  And to all of my friends.

I managed to survive my first two months of college because of them.